That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Breaking news:
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago