My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*