Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
mechanics be like
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Ain’t no way
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.