I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Found my door mat
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”