Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I can’t deal with men any longer
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Heroic Misunderstanding
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.