Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

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Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.


Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”


Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.


Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.


For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair


Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive


People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.


genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade


Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great