@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

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@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

@alicewhitey

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

@PaperWash

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

@dlicj

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@bougerella

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

@Parkerlawyer

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

@bobvulfov

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

@Marlebean

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great