Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

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BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*


My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…


most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.


Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.


ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii


Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.


My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude


“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”