@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

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@UnFitz

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@simoncholland

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

@mlefaye

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@Try2StopME

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

@brianbowman73

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.