Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Said the murderer.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am: