I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?