It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Waiting for the Charmin
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training