one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.


ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?


It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…


[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless


Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.


[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second


Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.


[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*


No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything


He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.