one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
You Might Also Like
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.