I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine