She was REALLY feeling it.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Doormats are a gateway rug.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it