Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
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I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
A family that plays together cheats.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I feel it
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.