[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
You Might Also Like
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.