I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story