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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I’m not stressed
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.