I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
A woman drives into a bar.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.