Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
You Might Also Like
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?