in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
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[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
#merica
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.