A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS