They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.