There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Tier 3 meme
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
me hooking up with my ex
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics