The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
You Might Also Like
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I love you…
…r dog.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?