2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Investing in beetcoin
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy