2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree