I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I did not eat the cake…
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose