sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
You Might Also Like
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.