MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.