@Henry_3000 Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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@Henry_3000 
@Jake_Vig If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
@DavidAdt1 She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
@ShutUpThatsWho [spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
@halvewit I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
@dogfather Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
@djdarrellripley *At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
@abhorrent_wife Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
@TheTweetOfGod Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.