MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m already scared
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Siri, fight Alexa.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”