MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.