Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
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Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here