Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?