*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
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Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
i really liked this one
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.