Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
You Might Also Like
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly