Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Siri, fight Alexa.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>