My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie鈥檚 head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where鈥檇 it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don鈥檛 remember putting in my purse
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI鈥檚 daughter: u have a UTI
TI鈥檚 daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I鈥檓 TI
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it鈥檚 yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I鈥檝e decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can鈥檛 wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn鈥檛 stop worrying about it. I don鈥檛 know how pirates do it.