War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.