What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
This is true.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”