What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
somebody come look at this
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no