*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*