If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
when dads have a rap battle
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol