As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.