I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My current situation
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny