Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer