My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Tastes like chicken.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work