My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Buck naked
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy