Buck naked
You Might Also Like
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor