My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Saw your ex at the shops
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.