*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
the battle rages on
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things