The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard