I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.