urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
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[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied