[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
i wish we could shoplift online
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.