It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
the battle rages on
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.