I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 馃槶
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It鈥檚 not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I鈥檒l show myself out*
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma鈥檃m we鈥檙e gonna need you to replace this door
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
there鈥檚 a fly on the ceiling that she can鈥檛 reach, so she is intimidating it鈥ith a dissonant chord
This is so me 馃槀馃槀
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
January has been Januweary